Who's in Charge Around Here? You or the Clutter?

A frequent theme on Awareness * Connection is productivity and organization in service of making life simpler and reducing the spillover from work, bills, home and car maintenance, etc into the truly important areas of our life, our relationships and our passions. The Getting Things Done approach is fantastic for managing all those areas that like to take over, so that they can be dealt with effectively and efficiently. One potential problem though is that we can begin to put all sorts of things on our next action lists that involve maintaining and organizing all manner of things that are essentially clutter—miscellaneous crap that subtracts from the quality of our lives. The phrase the more you own, the more you are owned comes to mind, and seems to be true on multiple levels. So without taking a look at the clutter issue, we can end up being really effective and efficient with a bunch of junk that gets in the way of living a more fulfilling and rewarding life. This reminds me of Stephen Covey's quip about making sure that before you start getting all excited about how quickly you are scurrying up the ladder, you might want to check to ensure it is against the correct building.

I've got a couple of other books on the docket before It's All Too Much by Peter Walsh. He's the guy from TLC show Clean Sweep. But I'm definitely looking forward to checking it out and looking a little more closely at this aspect of my life. Merlin Mann of 43Folders has high praise for this book. He's in a good place to talk about it judging from his frequent posting about his own batttle with clutter. This has apparently come to a head in his role as a relatively new father. 

I love this title of one of his posts on this: Clutter War II: Attack of the Giant Baby. Boy, he's hit on a big one here. You'd think raising a baby in our current culture entails needing a Lincoln Navigator and a house that would fit at least a couple other families if we didn't have all the stuff. Notice that in the advertising working to convince us that we need all of it, that everything these days with babies involves a "system"—a stroller system, a carseat system...a diaper bag system?!?. Not that some of the stuff isn't really innovative and cool, but let's reign it in a bit here folks. Is it really a diaper bag system?

So just starting by asking, Do I really need, or even want all this stuff in my life? Is it really helping me live the sort of life I want? seem to me like questions worth asking. I'll close with this post with The Hidden Side of What You Own from Think Simple Now. It's a very worthwhile crash course on the same topic as Walsh's book, and a nice place to stimulate a few ideas.

What kinds of things are clutter magnets for you?

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An iPhone 2.0 Day of Ups & Downs for Me

Thursday

Up: New version of iTunes is here. Here we go.
Up: The app store is now open. Check all this out.

Up: Lots of free apps.

Down: No scrabble for iPhone.
Up: I just bought some apps. Esp the OmniFocus app I've been craving to sync with my iPhone. The desktop version is the all time greatest GTD app by a mile. Synchage could be amazing.
Down: No iPhone 2.0 yet.
Down: No midnight release.
Down: No 1 am release.

Friday Morning
Down: I am tired.
Way Up: Oh here it is, iPhone 2.0!
Up: Loading of 2.0 going fine.
Up: It's done! Here we go.
Down: Not activating. iTunes error -4. Try again later. How about now? Two seconds is later.
Down: More -4 errors
Repeat 146 times like a lab mouse tapping a bar for electrical brain stimulation, minus the pleasure quotient.
Go to the gym.
Get back from the gym.
Down: !@$#@, more of the -4.

Repeat 23 times.
Up: I read a blog entry on a sure fire way to get through. Hope running high.
Down: Doesn't work.
Down: Lots more reading. More -4 error. !@$#

Friday Mid Day
Up: Another suggestion on a blog.
Way up: It actuall worked, see previous post! iPhone 2.0 is up and running.
Up: Testing out apps.

Up: Email multiple delete! This is awesome. Didn't realize how nice this could be.
Up: SplashID password storage for iPhone.

Up: Free voice notes with Jott or Evernote.

Down: I can barely hear the recorded message. The iPhone (1st gen) speaker phone is an achilles heel, always has been.

Up: I'm keeping my 1st gen iPhone anyways. Steve Jobs doesn't get another influx of money from me yet.
Up: FileMagnet to read word docs, pdfs and more on iphone. Does it enable using iPhone as a disk?

Up: Cool desktop counterpart to the iPhone app to upload files. Syncs effortlessly.
Down: FileMagnet doesn’t have a landscape feature. Hard to read docs. Okay for looking for text you already know is in there. I suggest landscape to developer.
Up: Developer assures me it is in demand and is coming.
Up: PocketPedia. I can look up and store info on an pics of books.
Down: Doesn't sync.
Up: Multiple home screen function that was introduced a while back is very handy with all these new apps.
Up: OmniFocus very cool on the iPhone. Can't wait to get it synced to my Mac. Location aware contexts could be huge change for civilization, well maybe for GTDers.
Down: Can't get OmniFocus to Sync.
Down: Lots of reading about how to do it.
Down: More reading.
Down: Had to buy space on BingoDisk server that I wouldn't otherwise want.
Down: Lots of time setting up.
Down: More time setting up.

Friday Close to Midnight
Up: I have achieved synchage. Woohoo. My primary purpose fulfilled.
Up: Playing around with possibilities.
Down: Uh Oh. Entries (next actions) missing from OmniFocus (OF) on Mac.
Up: Looks like I've got it corrected.
Down: Nope. More entries missing. 
Up, Down, Up, Down, Up, Down
Big down: No synching that works for me. I'm not a techie. Even the friendly helpful folks at Omni haven't gotten me through it.
Up: Beginning to accept that synching aint gonna happen until their Mac software is no longer in apha. Sigh. This hasn't exactly been an example of getting things done, has it?

Big downs: Way too much time fiddling around with software, on forums asking questions, getting my hopes up for a yet another new solution, only to find it wouldn't work, trying out options that lead to dead ends. This drives me nuts about computers and technology. Computers are fantastic when they are working smoothly. Incredible. But too damn often they aren't. At their best they save time, enhance creativity and planning, and generally make things beautiful. Other days they are a giant time suck, doing exactly the opposite of what we've created them to do. And then there are days like iPhone 2.0 day. Up and down. Too much down. I'm tired now. I should convert back to paper and pen. Where is my Moleskine notebook?

Pretty big ups: Multiple email delete! Separate calendars in iCal. Search in Contacts. Separate contacts app so you don't have to open the phone and go to contacts. Finally possible ways to synch notes, though I haven't found the one I like yet. OF-iPhone is pretty cool, potential to be off-the-charts cool when it syncs, and within a few weeks I think it may work for non techies like me. App store is up and running, very promising. Apps update easily through iTunes, so initial kinks could be worked out pretty quickly. It will be interesting to see how the prices, which are now all over the map, shake out.

If you can't afford OmniFocus for your mac, do get the iPhone version. At $20, if it is your primary version of OF, it is a deal. When it syncs properly it will be a steal and will be an unbeatable productivity combo. I look forward to it.

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iPhone 2.0 Activation Fix. Get Through Server Overload

Here is the fix that finally got me through after hours of hitting the okay button on the -4 iTunes error message:

1) When the error message comes up hit okay, but Do Not Disconnect your iPhone.
2) Quit iTunes
3) Relaunch iTunes
4) Voila. If you had the same luck I did, you're likely breathing easier now just like me.

Hope this helps.

Shared Control: The Art of Offering Choices Within Limits

At some level we are all aware that sharing control with children is essential. As I mentioned in my last post, kids get bossed around all day. Others decide what they can eat, what they should watch on television, who they can play with, etc. I'm not suggesting that this shouldn't be the case. The adult should be making a lot of these decisions. But think about this from your child's perspective for a minute. It would drive us nuts if our boss, for instance, had that much control over our lives.

So the idea of sharing control with kids is to do it both consciously and wisely. One of the most widely used and time tested ways to share control with kids is to offer choices within limits.

Many parents have heard that it is good to offer choices, and have tried it. There are lots of places to go wrong though. The one I see frequently go awry is offering a child two choices intending that he will pick one of them. So the first tip is to make sure to only offer choices where you'd be fine with the child going for either option. You know deep down that if you have one you really are wanting him to go with, he's going for the other. We forget this fact in the heat of the moment though.

Offer most choices when things are going smoothly. Sure choices can, and should be used to set limits as well. In fact, lots of choice both share control and set limits. But choices work best when they are mostly offered on things that really don't matter much to the adult. Jim Fay often quips that there are two places to share control: 1) where we don't really need it, and 2) where we never had it to begin with. I love the second of these two because there are often things that we waste all sorts of our energy trying to control when there is about as much chance of us pulling it off as the family dog does of finally catching his tail.

Now when you offer choices like these inevitably our cherubs will occasionally pick a third option that is not on the list. Sometimes when things aren't going smoothly in the home, kids will do this most of the time. This can drive a parent to the brink pretty quickly. "I'm trying to give him some choices, and he NEVER cooperates." See my next post on choices for how to handle this twist on shared control.

The photo above was taken by Alatriste of his nephew. You can see more of his creative, clever shots on Flickr.

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Four Ways to Effectively Handle Arguing

It can be really aggravating when you ask a child to do something reasonable and you get arguing in response. There are a wide array of ways that this can be handled effectively. One thing to keep in mind is that an important and often overlooked part of the mission is that you as the adult model ways to take good care of yourself.

Communicate some empathy. No matter what the circumstances, starting off with some empathy can never hurt. “Looks like you’re not to happy about TV being over for the day” “You really wish I’d let you go over to Ian’s house. I can understand you being frustrated with me.” What is counterintuitive, but very powerful is being empathetic, but still maintaining the reasonable limit. You can be pleasant to be around as a parent and still set reasonable boundaries and limits.

Use an enforceable statement. “I’ll be happy to talk about this when your voice is calm like mine.” We’ve covered enforceable statements before. The essence is that in a positive tone you describe what you are willing to do, provide or allow, and under what circumstances.

Walk away. This is especially powerful and helpful if 1) you have already made an enforceable statement, repeated it once calmly, and the child continues with the arguing; or 2) in some circumstances when the child is being especially obnoxious, you can pair the enforceable statement with immediately walking away. This is one of many examples of how to enhance your credibility as a parent. As they say at the Love and Logic Institute you “Say what you mean, mean what you say, and do what you say you’ll do.”

Circle back around at a calmer time. One very easy error to slide into as parents is trying to work things out in the heat of the moment. If you’ve implemented one of the above suggestions, it can help strengthen your connection with your child to check back in later when things are calm. At that calmer time you can note the child’s frustration and 1) simply acknowledge it without doing anything else, 2) invite them to talk about the situation, or 3) invite them to go back to the drawing board with you and collaboratively work on exploring other ways to look at, and work with the situation that the arguing was about. Looking more closely at collaborative problem solving certainly deserves its own set of posts. When you circle back like this fairly regularly, it makes it easier for your child to cooperate since they have some say and won't tend to feel pushed around. When you stop to think about it, kids do have to put up with a lot of adults making the decisions. By circling back and acknowledging how they feel, it makes this more tolerable. As the late Haim Ginott, the wonderful child psychologist, put it. The child should either have "voice or choice". In other words if they can't have some say in the matter, they should at least be able to protest, especially if done reasonably.

Whatever you do with arguing, the one thing to avoid is arguing back in the heat of the moment. Losing your composure ratchets down your parenting credibility quotient, and it never seems to help resolve the issue at hand. For maximum effectiveness jot these tips down and put them somewhere you can refer back to. Post its, as always are your best friend.

What age are your kids and what sorts of things do they tend to argue about? Have you had any successes trying out any of these four principles, or some related one?

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Using Children's Books for Difficult Topics

I am a big fan of using books with young kids for discussing difficult topics. Though we may have the best of intentions, with young children, it is just not a good developmental fit to sit across from them and simply talk about a difficult topic as we might with a friend or much older child. Of course it's not that conversations aren't appropriate at all. Though there are some tricks as far as timing and context that can help, which I'll cover in a separate post. Picture books are wonderful though for topics ranging from grief, to moving, to divorce and blended families. Kids naturally just enjoy picture books and being read to. During challenging times when your child might need one of these books they need cuddling more than usual. Reading with them invites to satisfy that healthy need in a context that feels natural doesn't make them feel awkward.

During these difficult times, kids also very much benefit from repetition. The repetition of coming back to a book is in and of itself soothing. By listening to a book read to them or looking at books on their own, they can continue to approach a difficult topic, like divorce or death or even a first visit to the dentist, again and again as they settle into adjusting to the difficult issue in their lives. Prior to a bladder surgery when my daughter was in Kindergarten, she began adjusting to this big life event by coming back to the book several times about staying the night in the hospital.

Books like this have another huge valuable affect. That is that it is much easier to talk about a book or a character in a book than it is to talk directly about their own feelings. It is much less threatening and allows them a bit of emotional distance that can make the topic more approachable. Older kids often benefit in a similar way from books that are just text.

There are a wide array of books on topics like these. For me a great place to start if you're stumped on books for the biggies is with Marc Brown, the author of the well known Arthur books. His style of illustration is soothing, and often familiar. He hits all the specifics of the difficult topic in a very straightforward, understandable way.

As a side note, these aren't just for kids. As adults, especially with the death of a loved one, it hits us hard in a tender very child-like place. I've heard lots of adults talk about benefitting from reading books that were meant for their children. The one I've most often heard about this with is Tear Soup. You can even see in the reviews some adults talking about being touched by this "children's book" when they lost a spouse. So if you have a child in your life that is struggling with one of life's big topics from the death of a pet or family member, to having a medical procedure done, to a divorce or separation, consider a book on the topic.

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The Prozac Goose Chase. Why Prozac Probably Works Differently Than We Thought

The Boston Globe reports on a theory that I'd heard about a while back that seems to be gaining traction, amassing evidence to support it, Head Fake: How Prozac Sent the Science of Depression in the Wrong Direction. The idea is that rather than depression being due to a shortage of some neurotransmitter or other, that it is actually due to neurons (brain cells) shrinking and dying in much the same way as they do in neurodegenerative disorders such as Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. The only difference being that with depression the damage appears to be reversible. This new theory also might account for the phenomenon known as the "Prozac lag" where despite the serotonin levels increasing in patients hours after taking the drug, the decrease in depression takes weeks. This points to the serotonin explanation just not explaining what is going on. Fascinating stuff. It will be interesting to see how things shake out with the evidence over time.