Quick Rant on Leaving Comments

I know at least two people have mentioned that they tried to leave a comment and weren't able to because the protocol for leaving it is not all that intuitive. Though I'm grateful for the Blogger software, which overall is very well-designed, especially considering the price (free), I have to agree with the critique for comments.

At the bottom of each post, you see a envelope icon. Kind of looks like where you'd leave a comment doesn't it? Especially given the context that it's at the bottom of the post. It's not the place. That's where you email the link to the post to your friend. The word "comments" is down there too, but there is no icon to click on. By now, some readers newer to blogs have already given up on leaving a comment. Now you blog savvy folks would have no problem, but let's not come down with a case of expert-itis. Keep in mind that at one time all of us were figuring out how this stuff worked.

Here's How
Turns out that you leave the comment by clicking on the word "comments" itself. The actual word is the link, though there is no underlining before you run your mouse over it to indicate that. So those of you who have tried to leave comments without success, give it another go. For those of you who haven't left any, go ahead and press the comment link. Say whatever is on your mind. Leave your mark. It'll do ya good.

What You're Not Saying That Says So Much

Early in my teaching career I learned about a concept that first got me thinking seriously about just how important our use of language can be when talking to kids. I overheard a skilled, veteran teacher making a mistake with a kid. I remember clearly that it was a group of first graders walking down the hallway. One of the kids was messing around in line. His teacher walked up to him, took him by the arm and escorted him to the back of the line. While she was walking him, she said something along the lines of "Since you can't behave yourself, you can go to the end of the line." Even as inexperienced as I was at the time, it occurred to me, "You know, I think she just told that kid that he can't behave himself. I'm not sure that's really a message that is in her interest to give to him, much less in his interest." As I reflect on this, I think just hearing that interaction and realizing its importance was probably a major influence to my deciding to change my career to working more closely with children, families and adults as a parent coach and therapist.

Now like all of us, at some of my, shall we say, less than stellar moments, I make this exact sort of mistakes. Lots of times I'll even be aware that I'm doing it and still not be able to pull it together in the moment. What is going on in these interactions, often below the level of what is actually said, is that there is an implicit message. The gist of that message generally says one of two things. It says either, "You're a capable kid," or "You're not capable." Now any single sentence said to a child is not likely to harm her over the long term. The problem would seem to come from repeatedly hearing You're Not Capable messages, and hearing relatively few of the other sort.

To get more of a handle on this principle lets look at an example with a younger child. You could say, "If you don't start eating politely, you're going to be heading to your room." You could even add "Mr." to the end for emphasis. Not quite as bad as the one in the teacher example above, but still not in the You're Capable camp. An alternative way of saying something like this might be, "We'd love to have you eating here with us as long as you're using your manners." Notice that both ways of stating this are getting at setting the exact same limit with the child, about eating at the table. But the second not only sounds more inviting, it implies that the child has good manners and has an option of whether to use them or not. On a side note, it also sounds like the adult wants to be with him. Most importantly it implies that he's capable and in control of his behavior, a message we want him to hear again and again.

Another variation on the example above is to use the Up and Out of the Kid principle that I originally heard described by Betsy Geddes, a former Portland Elementary School principal and a colleague of Jim Fay's. I'd heard other use the strategy, but no one seemed to call it anything or have a name for it. I've used that phrase ever since to describe the idea to clients.

Up and Out means rather than simply telling a child something (which often tends to slide into unhelpful lectures filled with inadvertent You're Not Capable messages) asking a key question that brings the answer up and out of the child's nervous system. This might sound like, "Geoff, if the goofing around at the table continues, what's your best guess about what might happen?" said in a friendly, confident voice. This not only invites the child to think through likely results of his behavior giving a chance to change course, it also sends a subtle and powerful message, "Geoff, I think you are a responsible and smart enough kid that you can figure this out with just a brief prompt. I don't need to spell it out for a sharp kid like you."

A big way that you can incorporate this into your parenting or work with kids is to start out by just listening to how you and others talk. When you have a sense that a You're Not Capable message was imbedded in what was said, try to imagine what the alternative way of phrasing it might be. If you can't think of it in the moment, write it down and post it as a question in the comments section and we can brainstorm You're Capable alternatives right here at Awareness * Connection.

And don't get down on yourself when you find yourself giving your child You're Not Capable messages. The most highly trained of us still do it. We all do from time to time. The first and most important step is simply increasing awareness (note the name of the blog). If you give yourself credit for that first step of just awareness, you'll likely move on to become increasingly effective in communicating with children in ways that invite long term responsible behavior.

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The Joys of Ziti

I have only recently discovered the joys of baked ziti. I think I actually first became aware of the dish when watching the Sopranos. I made my first one based on this recipe by Mario Batali with a balsamella sauce: Baked Ziti al Telefono. The name refers to the cheese being nice and stringy and apparently reminding some Italian folks of telephone wires. With this nice little allusion, combined with a passing resemblance to some sort of fancy macaroni and cheese, lots of kids will enjoy this one too.

The balsamella sauce itself isn't included in the recipe above. I'm not sure why. Luckily it is pretty straight forward and happens to be posted here. This version of baked ziti is delicious, but very rich. I cut down on some of the mozerella and substituted some meatballs that I cut up into smaller bite sized bits. Lots of Italian dishes I don't mind eating for a few nights in a row, but this one, due to the richness is a once in a while kind of thing. Luckily Ziti freezes very well. A half batch of this one might be a nice size to start with. Perfect for those smaller square casserole pans.

If you try this, let us know how it turned out, any substitutions you made and any of your other adventures in the Land of Ziti.

Tomorrow I am putting one together that is simplier and a few notches less rich. I'm just using a meat sauce I made today and am combining it with some chopped, grilled chicken that I have left over from the quesadillas we're having tonight, and some cubed mozerella, all topped off with some bread crumbs and a bit of romano cheese. The grilled chicken and the ground beef (in my sauce) combo might not work for purists, but with gas prices as they are and the way they in turn are pushing up the cost of everything, food included, I'm enjoying getting creative with ways to make sure no good food gets wasted. And ziti saves the day in this department, being endlessly alterable and able accommodate a wide range of leftover ingredients that might otherwise get tossed. Also the combo of beef and chicken could be a nice excuse to have a glass of red wine and a glass of white as well.

Soon I'll post a recent iteration of my meat sauce. It has been fun improvising with them. By the way, the book that got me started with Italian sauces back when Erin was pregnant with Hannah (going on 9 years ago now) is appropriately enough Pasta Sauces by Charles Bellissino. I got a lot of the ideas for variations on sauces from him.

Buon Appetito!

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Be the Trend Setter

I've been very encouraged by the traffic this blog has been getting. It is fascinating to see people reading from everywhere from South Africa to Texas to Stockholm. This Internet stuff is amazing. And to think that it wasn't even around a couple decades ago. As encouraging the traffic is and as grateful as I am for the readership, I'd love to see folks weigh in with comments.

All it is going to take to make this more of a community affair that can be even more useful and fun for readers is for a couple folks to weigh with comments. You can be the one who got it all started.

Gorslini's Fabulous Quesadillas

Well the kitchen has been finished for a few weeks, so where are all the new blog posts you might be wondering? Well I've been using the new kitchen more than I ever dreamed I would, which has translated into less computer time. I often seem to do this in life where I rediscover something that in the past I very much enjoyed, but have just gotten away from for one reason or another. In this case, I partially fell out of the habit of cooking due to the particularly bad electric stove we just got rid of. Actually all of our appliances were well overdue for an upgrade. But part of it is just the way I seem to loose track of some activities and later rediscover them.

I made a lot of my tuition money for college by cooking at a fairly upscale seafood restaurant. The food was very good there overall. I started as a prep cook and ended up working just about all of the kitchen positions, cooking on the line, making all the sauces and chowders, cutting expensive fish we got flown in and even working the oyster bar for a year or so.

I'd always enjoyed cooking since I was a teen (I started out with pizza). But cooking in college I managed to learn enough to get me started with a pretty good array of dishes that I'm comfortable cooking and improvising with. I rarely stick to a single recipe these days for any given dish. Most dishes that I cook, if I don't already have basic strategy in mind from memory, I research by looking up several recipes from various sources and get a feel for the basic ingredients, cooking strategies and some of the common variations. I then get started and just follow my intuition where it takes me. Usually it works out pretty well. Occasionally it goes south, but I always learn from those.

The three cuisines that I most frequently draw from in my cooking are Mexican, Italian and Asian (primarily Chinese, but lots of others as well). Lately we've been eating a lot of fresh guacamole and salsas. We've been having variations on these quesadillas once in a while lately.

Here is a nice summer time recipe for some quesadillas and homemade pico de gallo tossed with avocado to go along with it:

Ingredients
flour tortillas (burrito size)
1 chicken breast
1 1/2 cups jack or mozzarella cheese
2 tsp olive oil (more if you sautee the chicken above)
1 or 2 cloves garlic (more if you sautee the chicken above.
1 jalapeños
1 jar Mexican green salsa (tomatillo based). You can find this in ethnic sections of many grocery stores. If not any mexican market will have it or in a pinch you could substitute pureed salsa.
1 small avocado
1 lime
1 medium tomato (deseeded)
2 green onions chopped finely
2 tbsp finely chopped cilantro
1/2 bermuda red onion minced
freshly ground pepper to taste
salt to taste

To prep the chicken, since it is summer the easiest way would be to grill with some garlic power and light salt and pepper. Alternatively you can also dice the chicken breasts and saute them with fresh garlic, olive oil and a little salt pepper. Poaching also works fine. If you grill or poach them, let them cool before dicing, and set aside.

Pico de gallo
Deseed the tomato. Cut off both ends of the tomato and set them aside to dice after deseeding the main part. Cut the remaining part of the tomato in half ("along the equator"). Use your finger to dislodge the seeds and pulp from inside the tomato. Check it with your fingers from the top and bottom. The pulp can be used in a spagetti sauce or just discarded. Dice the tomato, and the red onion. Other kinds of onions can be substituted, but the red ones look particulary good in this pico de gallo. Chop the green onions and cilantro finely. Set aside a couple teaspoons of each. Make sure to rinse the cilantro in particular because it is often gritty. This is a good idea with all your produce of course. If you want hot pico de gallo, leave the seeds and the veins in the jalepeño. Other wise use a spoon to scrape out the seeds and the veins (the white stuff). Mince the jalepeños finely. You may want to use latex gloves. Other wise be careful not to rub your face (or other sensitive areas ;0) ) until your hands are washed afterward. Mince the garlic and add. Juice half the lime into a separate cup to ensure you don't get seeds into your gallo, then add to the other ingredients. Add the olive oil. Salt lightly and add fresh ground pepper to taste. Mix the ingredients well. Add the diced avocado last and toss. Adding it after the mixing the other ingredients prevents it from getting mashed up...much prettier. Taste again and add salt and pepper or more jalepeños if necessary

Note: To judge the heat of your jalepeños let the pico de gallo sit for a half hour. Like salt, it is best to start a bit low on peppers and add more if you want it hotter. It is very hard to adjust if you get to much of salt or jalepeños. The perceived heat increases over the half hour.

Putting Together and Cooking
Place tortillas on a large cookie sheet. Half of the tortilla can be hanging off for this part if you are short on space. Place a couple tablespoons of the greens salsa on half the tortilla and spread around. Add enough of the cheese to cover the green salsa (just a bit more than you would on a pizza). Don't get too close to the edges or the cheese will melt out of the tortilla. Sprinkle the cooked chicken on the cheese and sprinke a bit of the green onions and cilantro over all the ingredients. Fold the tortilla over the ingredents. Bake or broil at 500. If you broil, turn the quesadilla over as soon as the cheese is half melted. When mostly melted remove, place on a cutting board and cut into 4 pieces like a pizza. It will continue to melt for a couple minutes. Serve with the Pico de gallo and avocado in a mound on the other half of the plate or in a ramekin (little glass or metal cup). You may also serve with a dollop of sour cream.

If you have pico de gallo in a restaurant that isn't all that good, you'll now know some of the secret ingredients that might be missing. Common culprits are olive oil, lime juice, fresh garlic, low on the cilantro or under seasoned.

In a pinch you can just use store bought salsa and guacamole (preferably good ones from a nice grocery store). Later I'll have to toss in one of my authentic guac recipes. That is even easier than the pico and is always a hit. I never have leftovers after social gatherings.

Enjoy.

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Alter Your Information Diet

I just came across a blog with all sorts of useful information called the Positivity Blog by Henrik Edberg. I like the way that most of the articles are along the the lines of lists of practical tips, usually with the number of items in the list included in the title. An example is this article that I first came across linked from Merlin Mann's 43 Folders site: 5 Compelling Reasons to Adjust Your Information Diet. It is worth linking to here as one of the themes I am coming across frequently in my work with individuals and families is that information clamors for our attention 24/7. The amount of it available is vast, but only certain bits of it are worth our time to sift out, much like panning for gold. One television show flows into another, and each web page links to several others, so it is easy to just keep following the information on rabbit trails that may or may not lead anywhere. With that in mind, check out the links.
Image above from a second story (License)

A Catterpillar, a Butterfly and Swarms of Contractors

With the help of a couple of new inhalers, I've finally broken through to the other side. With the weather turning and being able to breath more freely—not having a fever is always nice too—I feel a bit like a butterfly crawling out of my cocoon.

And speaking of insects, just outside my cocoon is the remainder of the swarm of contractors that have been doing everything from replacing old galvanized plumbing that looks like the arteries of someone who really loved bacon and mayonnaise, to replacing a dangerously outdated electrical panel, to pruning some giant walnut trees that were shedding more branches than leaves throughout the year. The latest swarm just wrapped up putting in some countertops. They let us know just as they began the installation that we would have to wait 24 hours before the plumbers to come and hook things back up (the plumbers we already had scheduled a week out to come and hook our sink fixtures and disposal back up that afternoon). I always enjoy hearing that sort of thing at the last minute. Luckily my plumbers are good guys and aren't going to charge us for leaving them hanging for the 1 o'clock that we'd blocked out early in the week.

One unfortunate side effect of my bout with the flu is that my meeting with my web designer got pushed out 3 weeks, which puts it in the last week of May. It is driving me nuts to see my site falling further and further out of date. But I am grateful to have this blog. And at least I can keep those of you who check in here up to date til the site in humming along again.

I continue to be very excited about the effect that the effect that the Getting Things Done approach is having on my stress level. This is by far the most organized, and comfortably so, that I've been in my lifetime. I'm finding the approach helpful enough that when I'm able to update the site again, I am going to be describing some coaching focused on dealing with the email and "To Do" flood, and the treadmill that so many people feel like they are on that is going just a few notches faster than they can comfortably keep up with.

What I'm finding in my practice is that as skilled as people are in their interpersonal relationships, and no matter how dedicated they are to them, it is hard to enjoy them when the taking care of business aspects of life continually feel out of control. The idea is that in conjunction with parent coaching or individual counseling, many clients would enjoy having the option of learning some practical, proven methods of dealing with the pile of information they have to mine for the nuggets that can be found throughout.

Well only a couple more weeks until my meeting with the web designer. So check the blog in the meantime and watch for site improvements and new coaching offerings toward the beginning of June.