Nothing Works for All Kids, Except the Stuff that Does

It's not going to suit everyone's taste, but Despair.com does spoofs on motivational posters that are seen in offices and cube farms the world over. One of their posters I enjoy is one that quips "You're unique...just like everyone else in the world." I enjoy it just for the sarcasm, but I also appreciate a truth that it gets at.

Sometimes when parents are considering learning some strategies for making parenting easier, they are concerned that there really aren't any approaches that are effective, because "Nothing works for all kids." Well they're right. Every child is unique. And there is no strategy or technique that is going to play out precisely the same way with all kids. And some will play out very differently with different kids. This, in fact, is one of the reasons why I think counseling and parent coaching can be so helpful. "Off the rack" parenting approaches found in books though often helpful, can frequently frustrate parents as their kids respond very differently than the book predicts. And that's not to mention that you can find books that recommend just about anything you can imagine, so there's little consistency from book to book. I work with lots of parents who have often read a at least a half dozen parenting books, and are well informed yet confused because none of the advice seems to mesh together.

So, yes, kids are all unique. And no particular strategy or technique is going to be helpful with all kids. But in my experience, there are principles that have proven to be helpful from classrooms to home and with kids of widely varying temperaments. It is in the particulars of the application that the principles need to vary from child to child.

Examples of Principles You Count On:

When limit setting and consequences become the focus of the relationship, and opportunities for connection aren't there or are too few, things tend to go down hill. 

Control is a basic human need. When it is shared with children in appropriate ways, kids are much more apt to be cooperative. 

Attention to approximations of behaviors you're wanting from your child tends to bring about more of those wanted behaviors.

Attention on what is going poorly will lead to more poor behavior, and will also lead to the desired behaviors decreasing as well. 

Kids who are given both verbal and "action messages" that they are capable, responsible people tend to behave more capably and responsibly.

So you can feel good that there are some proven principles that are helpful with kids across the board. And it is true that kids do vary in the particulars. For some parents, especially those with kids who have easier temperaments, figuring out their kids and how principles  like these might apply is pretty straight forward. For those parents who have kids with more difficult temperaments, or who find it more challenging to figure out how the principles might best be applied with their kids, then coaching and/or counseling can be helpful.

Save the Words for the Happy Times, Part IV: The Art of the Delayed Consequence

The concept of saving the words for the happy times is about making sure we aren't inadvertently pouring on negative attention when things aren't going well. When we lecture, yell or explain too much in the moment when things are bumpy, we inadvertently make it more likely that the problem behavior is going to increase over time.

In the first three posts in this series, we discussed what can be done in the moment when we encounte the misbehavior, how to circle back afterward, and how to do a collaborative problem solving session. In part IV we'll now look in some detail at how to use a delayed consequence, and why delaying a consequence, contrary to what many still think, is in fact more effective in most cases than an immediate consequence.

Why We Crank Up
As parents we often ramp up in the moment, when it is least effective, for a lot of good reasons. Let's look at a couple. One of them is simply impulse. As human beings we are wired to more readily notice negative stimuli. When our child is acting up that is what most readily grabs our attention. Annoyance, irritation and even feeling ashamed that our child is acting in such a way can all play into our jumping into the fray.

And when the behavior is either pretty bad, or it's been going on for a long time, we often get that gut sense that something needs to be done right at that moment. Fortunately, this is actually almost never actually the case. Additionally, we often feel compelled to act because we've been taught that the behavior needs to be "nipped in the bud" or even that consequences are only effective when given right in the moment. This was actually the prevailing wisdom of the day for a while, and it turned out, as we'll see, to be just wrong.

The Delayed Consequence
It turns out for kids five and older delayed consequences can actually be more effective than coming up with a consequence right at the time of the misbehavior. Before looking at why that is, let's look at an example of how a delayed consequence actually plays out. Jon came home after being at a friend's house after school. He grabbed some chips and planted it in front of the TV. Mom was cooking dinner and the garbage that Jon had agreed would be taken out by last night was full enough that Mom could barely get carrot peeling in there without them rolling off the heap at the top. She asks, "Jon, would you please take care of this garbage?"
"I'll do it after the show, Mom"
She sighs to herself and pauses,"Jon, you agreed you'd have it done last night"
"I know. I'll do it, Mom. I just gonna finish my show first."
Having recently learned about the idea of Saving the Words for the Happy Times, she took nice slow deep breath. She inhibited her impulse to yell and remind him of what his responsibilities are and how little he contributes to the family. Instead she said, "Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it."
"Okay Mom," said Jon distractedly, already absorbed back in his show.

On Saturday, two days later, Jon picked up the envelope containing his allowance, as he was accustomed to doing weekly. Jon's mom had set this allowance ritual up after she'd heard about it in the parenting class she recently attended. The suggestion had been to keep chores and allowance are kept separate—allowance to teach about having money and being broke; and chores so that he would have a sense of contribution in the household. Jon opened his envelope. There were two dollars bills inside. He was used to seeing five dollars. In with the two dollar bills was a note that stated "$5.00 - $3.00 (for non-pre-arranged garbage removal) Balance: $2.00."
"What happened to my allowance?" he yelled. "That's my money!"
"I'm happy to talk about it when you're calm Jon"
"This is stupid!" He strode off to his room and slammed the door.
Mom again resisted the impulse follow and start in on his attitude. After a while he cooled off. He later came out and was able to talk about why she did the chore rather than pleading or cajoling him to do it after the time he'd agreed he would have it done. He wasn't happy about it, but after this interaction, Jon started taking more responsibility for getting his chores done when he'd agreed to.

Another approach rather than saying "Don't worry, I'll take care of it," is to say "Would you prefer to take care of that now or hire me to do it?" The key with this whole approach to chores that Jon's mother had already taken care of was 1) to set up chores ahead of time in a collaborative manner where Jon had a say in what he selected for chores out of the available possibilities, and 2) he had a time line on when to get the chores done rather than being told spur of the moment to do them, which none of us usually appreciate. Both of these details on setting up chores raise the odds that the child will be willing to contribute around the house, and make it so the child (at least at some level) realizes that it is fair for the parent to take some action when they aren't choosing to live up to an agreement they had a hand in crafting. And in line with the theme of this series, you can guess that the recommendation on when to do that collaborative setting up of chores is...that's right, at the happy times, not in the moment when things aren't going smoothly, such as when you're upset that they haven't done a chore.

When to Use a Delayed Consequence
Fortunately not all delayed consequences need to be set up like my example with chores above. Often it is much simpler. So how do you know then when a delayed consequence might be appropriate? Well first I recommend that you never need to come up with a consequence right in the moment for any child above five. This can be one of the single biggest gifts you can give to yourself as a parent. Let's look at this from the other end. You know that you don't need or want a delayed consequence under the following circumstances:

1. You've already told the your child what the consequence would be if they did X, and they just did X.
2. Collaborative problem solving feels like it would be more appropriate or helpful.
3. This is the sort of behavior you can simply redirect, just have the child take a break for, or a timeout seems like it is adequate.
4. Your child is four years old or younger (four is approximately the age when children begin to have enough long term memory for a delayed consequence to be effective).

So when something happens that doesn't fall under those categories above, and you sense that a logical consequence (tied to the time and place of the misbehavior as well as possible so as to be meaningful) is in order, then do yourself and your child a favor, and as Charles Fay of the Love and Logic Institute puts it, "Delaaaaaaaaaaay the consequence". Simply mark the event in time by saying something along the lines of "Oh we're going to need to do something about that. I want to make sure it's fair, so I'm going to give it some thought. I'll get back to you." As we've talked about before, this will be most effective if your tone is warm and friendly, which communicates, "I'm very much in control of myself, and I can handle your misbehavior without breaking a sweat," which help kids to feel safe, and as we psychological types like to say "contained".

If it is a big event, like your child just broke your front window by hitting a baseball through it, and you've previously discussed saving the baseball playing for the park, then you might want to have your child cool her heels in her room for a bit, which might sound like this, "Wow Megan, I'm guessing that window was expensive. Why don't you take a bit of time in your room to give this some thought about how you're going to handle this." Again this would be stated with empathy (keeping in mind we all made analogous mistakes when younger) and in a warm tone. When we keep it to this sort of tone, the child can't distract herself with our anger and frustration. When she can't do that the odds go way up that she's going to be able to think about her poor decision and how she plans to handle the problem in a responsible way.

Why Delayed Consequences Rather Than Immediate Ones
Delayed consequences are more effective for several reasons. First, we are much less apt as parents to come up with an unfair or overblown consequence that we later might feel compelled to retract. When we do that we lose credibility (though I do have a trick I'll share at a later time for how to minimize the credibility loss). On the other hand, when we enforce an overblown consequence we are being arbitrary, and we lose our kids' respect. Their seeing us as arbitrary breeds resentment. When they resent us, that is sad in and of itself, but beyond this fact, it also makes them want to get us back. So it is far better to steer clear of putting ourselves in a position where these are the options we're left with.

Another reason they are powerful is that the child has time to sit with their poor decision. When we deal out a consequence in the moment even if it is fair the child adjusts to it much more quickly, and they are more apt to have the "I don't care" response to the consequence. When they have time to give it thought for a while before you let them know what the consequence is they are much more apt to see it as fair, and to be able to explore what they might do differently in the future.

When we delay a consequence, kids also have a bit of time to wonder what the logical consequence might be for their behavior. In some sense they end up living through a few different possibilities as they wait. As I see it, this gets you more effect per dosage. In other words, your consequences won't need to be harsh to be effective. On the other hand with punishment or even immediate consequences often the adult has to increasingly dial up the harshness to "get the kid's attention".

It wasn't all that long ago when teachers were taught they had to deal out consequence immediately for it to work. The crucial mistake that had been made was taking findings about how lower animals (often rats and pigeons) learn, and assuming that learning worked precisely the same way with kids. The huge variable that they left out between the stimulus and response was cognition, thinking. And that piece makes all the difference, and accounts for why they were wrong about consequences needing to be immediate. It is important to let the child know in the moment that you notice the misbehavior, and that something will need to be done. But for all the reasons above, they don't need to have a consequence spelled out until everyone is a bit calmer.

Well this has been a long post, and so I'll wrap up the series here. I'll be sharing some of the ideas I mentioned previously about having the child do a written / drawn plan or using practice as a consequence in future posts.

Hopefully, we've all gotten something about the value of talking less when things aren't going smoothly. We know that isn't natural, and that it is learned skill, but it is one that is certainly worth learning. I'm still learning along with all of you how to do this more often.

What did you most helpful or thought provoking in this series?

If you enjoyed this article please vote for it on Digg, above, or Netscape or one of the other options below. You can also bookmark the site to the right. I appreciate your support.

Mother Looking Back on Doing Her Best to Help Her 5-Year-Old Cope with September 11th.

This is a beautifully written piece by Kathy Sena over at Parent Talk Today about her struggles and uncertainty surrounding helping her then five-year-old boy sift through some difficult facts about the world. She shares the way she responded to her son's questions about the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, Why do some people want to hurt others? Are there a lot more "good people" in the world than "bad people"? And of course the underlying question of Are we gonna be safe, Mom? Clients occasionally ask me how to go about talking with children about difficult world events like these, so when I come across a response like Kathy's I want to pass it along.

5 Skills to Handle Childhood Arguing at Squidoo

I have my second page up over at Squidoo on some Skills to Handle Childhood Arguing. Take a look and please sign into the guest book so I know you were there. Share your thoughts on the topic. Weigh in on the poll too.

Save the Words for the Happy Times, Part III: How to Bring Your Child in on the Solution

So far in this series we've looked at reasons to save the words for the happy times, and in the second part we looked at how to circle back after a difficult interaction. In this and the next post we'll need to explore a few of ways you can proceed once you've circled back. There are several options here including collaborative problem solving, following through with a delayed consequence, having the child make a written/drawn plan and using practice as a consequence.

I'm going to cover the most broadly useful one first. Collaborative problem solving is often a wonderful way to address the issue at hand. It is apt to work well if your child is five or older. Doing it with kids younger than that is like the proverbial cat herding. All the options we'll discuss in this post and the next can enhance your relationship with your child or teen. This one in particular tends to do so powefully. It is an approach to draw on especially for kids who for whatever reason feel very resentful of authority and are prone to getting into power struggles.

Step 1 Define the Problem: It might sound something like this "We've been on your case a fair amount about being on the computer too much. You got pretty upset last time I asked you to get off, and I'm really worried about how all this computer time is affecting your grades and how much time we spend together as a family. So we need to come up with a way to work out a reasonable amount of computer time for you, so you can do some of the things you enjoy, and some of the things you need to do, and so we don't have to worry about hassling you about how much you're on there." Notice the way that both the parent's and the child's viewpoint are included. Often there are more perspectives, and they can all be described briefly in the defining of the problem.

Step 2 Brainstorm Ideas About a Solution: Explain that first you're going to write down all the possible ideas that you can think of as a family (everyone involved in the problem that is), and that the brain is good at either coming up with creative new ideas, or at editing and evaluating those ideas, but it doesn't do both well at once. You'll want to use paper at a minimum. Ideally you'd have lots of space like on butcher paper, or up on a whiteboard. Never thought a giant whiteboard would be something that could enhance family life? It can. Make it a rule that no one, including the adults are going to censor any ideas. If your child says "How about I'm on the computer all day long?" I would put it on the board. This lightens the mood and expands the range of ideas, both of which make it more likely that you'll come up with something genuinely creative that addresses the problem. When things start to slow down or you start to get low on time, give a warning for a couple minutes left rather than just abruptly stopping the brainstorming. You could even say, "We've got about two minutes left, let's see how many more we can come up with."

Step 3 Sift Through Proposed Ideas: Try to identify even parts of ideas that might work. You might say things like "This is interesting. Here's my concern..." Kids can often surprise you with novel ideas that might work when they're brought in on the solution. You might circle ideas and parts of ideas that look worth giving a go. You can draw a line through ideas that aren't going to be part of the solution.

Step 4 Put Together a Plan for a Trial Run: The good news is that this doesn't have to be foolproof. It only needs to be an option that everyone involved is worth giving a try to see what works and what doesn't.

Steps 5 Evaluate and Readjust Accordingly: You likely already have the gist of this. Once you've given it a trial run, it is time to get together and talk about what is working and what is not. You then go back to Step 1, or wherever it makes the most sense to resume and try again. Rinse and repeat.

Some benefits of collaborative problem solving:

1. The nature of using visuals, especially when larger, is that the problem is experienced as something that you can "get perspective" on. There are lots of technical cognitive psychological reasons for this that I cover over at GTDtimes, but in short, writing things down or drawing is like adding extra RAM to our brains. People who problem solve for a livng rarely do it without using some sort of visual or writing down.
   
2. Problem solving is like other complex skills such as learning a language or learning to play an instrument. You get better at it by actually doing it.
3. Collaborative problem solving models a way of handling problems that your child/teen can use in all sorts of other situations.
   
4. Collaborative problem solving puts you both on the same side of the bargaining table, so to speak. You are less apt to end up in adversarial positions.
5. Kids who are included in thinking hard about solutions, esp when they are kids who often resist adult guidance, are less apt to oppose you as they are when they feel like you are arbitrarily coming up with consequences. This is esp true if they feel like you are doing so out of anger or frustration.
6. Because of all of the above, even when dealing with difficult problems families experience the process as bringing them closer together.
   

Parents I talk to about this tend to either immediately see possibilities, or they have some concerns about the process. Here are a couple common concerns.

But my child won't cooperate with this. He'll just sabotage it. Well that could be true, but what you're doing, and what you've tried before presumably weren't working. You can also offer a choice if a kid is being less than cooperative with the process. "Sam I'm wanting to try out getting you in on the solution here. If you're not willing to help out with solving this, what's your guess on the alternative I'm left with?" (up and out of the kid).

I shouldn't have to do this mamby pamby approach to parenting. Why can't I just punish him for what he did? Well the answer is that you can. I am only proposing this as one way to handle the second phase of saving the words for the happy times. My idea is that you are going to do best as a parent when you have a wide array of ways of handling problems. We'll only cover a few the possibilities over for the 2nd phase in this series, but over time at Awareness * Connection, you'll see a good deal of the array of possibilities. I only present collaborative problem solving here because it is broadly adaptable. There are times when I think a natural consequence (as opposed to punishment) is more in order than collaborative problem solving. Often which route you go is simply an intuitive choice or a value judgment on the part of the parent. I don't know any parent though who's learned how to use collaborative problem solving that has later regretting having it up their sleeve as another option.

Experiment with this. And before long I'll have our last installment of Save the Words for the Happy times where I'll cover a couple more methods for dealing with the problem at hand.

In the meantime have any of you experimented with something along these lines? How did it go?

If you enjoyed this article please vote for it on Digg, above, or Netscape or one of the other options below. You can also bookmark the site to the right. I appreciate your support.

Guest Post Over at Parent Talk Today

I've recently added a link to a very useful parenting site Parent Talk Today  by a friend, Kathy Sena, a seasoned journalist that covers parenting, lifestyle, women's issues and more for magazines you'll recognize like Women's Day and Family Circle, and for newspapers like the Chicago Tribune and the L.A. Times. You'll notice that I haven't yet linked to any other parenting sites since I'm a bit picky about whose stuff I "sign off on". 

Anyway, Kathy recently posted about an article by a friend of hers from the L.A. Times, "Should We Pay Our Kids to Learn?" I commented on the article and got a bit long winded and my comment ended up a few paragraphs long. Kathy is the kind of friend you want to have...instead of asking me not to clutter up her site with article length comments, she creatively turned my pontification about how we motivate kids to learn into a guest post. So here's a good excuse to head over and check out her site.

Squidoo Page on Raising Your Credibility with Your Child

I heard from one of the website effectiveness folks I have a lot of respect for, Sonia Simone over at Remarkable Communication, that Squidoo is a worthwhile format to invest a little time into. It essentially is a way to build little mini websites on any area of expertise that you have. I came up with a page to give Squidoo a trial run. I must say that I do enjoy the format and the intuitive tools to build with. I was able to put something together in short order that I think turned out pretty well.  

The Squidoo page on cooperation that I came up with has some nice, practical tools for raising your credibility with your kids so that when you need them to follow your lead for their best interest, they are more likely to be able to do that. 

Do any of you Squidoo? Stop by and let me know what you think of the page. If you do Squidoo, let us know in the comments below what your pages are about. When you're done, if you do any blogging, have a website, or are curious about how to communicate effectively and persuasively, especially for marketing purposes, check out Sonia's site. I'll be surprised if you don't enjoy yourself over there.